I stumbled across this hilarious note I posted on Facebook about two years ago. Some of these are mine, some are borrowed and I added some new ones.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
- There is a great need for sarcasm font.
- The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- I think people take Facebook birthday wishes for granted. You scroll through a hundred happy birthdays with zero appreciation. Instead of Happy Birthday, I like to write LOOK BUTT PASTE! That’s right, you better recognize.
- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
- I have spent entire Sundays watching Criminals Minds marathons. I am not ashamed of this.
- There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
- While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.
- It must really suck to be constipated if you’re a dog. I watch my dog hovering on his hind quads until they quiver and I just feel terrible. Like I can’t even give him a magazine or anything.
- If fluff doesn’t do the trick, I will straight up re-wet and tumble dry before ever touching an iron.
- When I meet someone new, I’m terrified of mentioning something they never told me but I learned from light Facebook stalking.
- I can’t remember names. I will literally be introduced to you, shake your hand and immediately have no idea what the hell your name is. It’s like an internal censor… “Hello, my name is BLEEP.” Does anyone else do this?
- I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- The best Facebook birthday posts are from blasts from the past. They probably see my name under “today’s birthdays” and think “Damn whatever happened to that chick?… Well, at least we now know she’s still among the living. Better wish her a Happy Birthday.”
- I wish I was as awesome as my dog thinks I am.
- I don’t understand why women prefer their beauticians to speak English. Take the lady who waxes your no-no place. Do you really ever want to speak of this again?
- Channel-surfing stresses me out. Thank god for Law and Order.